Gaslighting: What It Is and How to Recognise It

Content warning: This article discusses emotional manipulation and abuse.

You’ve probably heard the term “gaslighting” tossed around online or in conversations about toxic relationships. But what does it really mean? Why is it so harmful? How can you spot it?

In this article, we break down the history and definition of gaslighting, signs to look out for, and practical steps you can take if you suspect it’s happening to you or someone you love.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person tries to make another person doubt their memories, perceptions, or sanity.

According to the American Psychological Association, it involves "manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experience, or understanding of events."

Where Did the Term Come From?

The term comes from the 1938 play “Gas Light” by Patrick Hamilton, where a husband tries to make his wife think she’s going mad so he can have her institutionalised and steal her inheritance. He dims the gas lights in their home and then denies that the lighting has changed, causing her to question her own senses.

Today, the term refers more broadly to emotionally abusive behaviour in many kinds of relationships, and not just romantic ones.

Common Signs of Gaslighting

Psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis outlines several key signs of gaslighting in her book, Gaslighting: Recognise Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free.

1. They Lie - Blatantly and Often

Gaslighters tell lies, both big and small, to confuse you. Over time, these falsehoods make you question what’s real and what isn’t.

2. They Use Your Insecurities Against You

What you once shared in vulnerability is now ammunition. For example, if you’ve shared your struggles with trust issues, they may accuse you of being paranoid whenever you confront them about suspicious behaviour.

3. They Rewrite History

Gaslighters challenge your version of past events, even those that just happened. They insist you’re misremembering things, making you doubt your own memory.

4. They Dismiss Your Emotions

When you express hurt or confusion, they say you’re being "too sensitive" or "emotional." By doing so, they paint themselves as rational and you as irrational.

5. They Isolate You From Others

They may say your friends and family are against you, lying to you, or talking behind your back. The goal is to make you rely solely on them for validation.

How to Deal With Gaslighting

1. Recognise It

Ask yourself:

Do I frequently doubt my memory or judgment around this person?

Do I feel less confident in myself since knowing them?

If yes, it’s worth considering that gaslighting may be happening.

2. Write Things Down

Journaling helps preserve your version of events. This can be helpful for clarity - and for discussions with a therapist or trusted person.

3. Set and Maintain Boundaries

Limit your interactions with the gaslighter where possible. Avoid engaging in debates where the facts are constantly being twisted.

4. Reach Out for Support

You’re not alone. Talk to trusted friends or family. A mental health professional can help you validate your experience and offer strategies to cope.

A Note on Malaysian Context

As of this writing, gaslighting is not formally recognised as a form of abuse under Malaysian law. However, its psychological impact is real and serious.

If you believe you’re being gaslighted, consider seeking guidance from a licensed therapist or mental health professional. For support, Telos Mental Wellness offers professional counselling services tailored to your needs. 

Final Thoughts

Gaslighting can be subtle and insidious, but learning to spot it is a powerful first step toward reclaiming your reality. With the right support, recovery and resilience are possible!